Why I Stopped Worrying About Getting a Girlfriend

This Valentines, I would like to write a personal letter to you.

Single people and married people: this is why I stopped worrying about getting a girlfriend. And I want you to know why.

To Single People

1. God is in control

There is nothing wrong wishing for marriage and a family. But desperate wishing and “I-must-have-this-now!” thinking is not faith. Instead, you are telling God:

I know what is best for me. Have you even looked at my time-schedule? You better get with the program.

Does this attitude even make sense? God has His timetable, He is in charge, and He knows what is best.

Anytime I hear a story about how two people met, I’m always struck by the chance, mere luck, and fate of it all. Except it wasn’t.

God was in control. It would have been impossible for either one of those people to plan such a “happily ever after” story. Only an omniscient, omnipresent, sovereign God could write this story. If God is writing my story, then why should I be worried or desperate?

2. You are to be faithful

If God promises to be faithful toward you, are you being faithful to Him?

God: Be faithful with this and then we’ll talk about relationships.

You: NO! All my friends are getting married and it’s not fair. Give me a relationship! Then, I can be more faithful and…

Look. If you can’t be faithful by yourself, you can’t be faithful along with someone else. It won’t work. In fact, God may be training you to be faithful right now.

I want to paraphrase what I once heard (and can remember) from a sermon:

As a young person, you are surrounded by all these other young people trying to find their way in life. As you begin pursuing what God has called you to do, a lot of those friends will fade into the background.

In the beginning, you might feel alone. But when you move forward, you will begin to be surrounded by other people with similar values, goals, and dreams. You will find mentors, friends, and…

Then you spot “someone”. She is running along with all these other people. She is not doing this to impress you or get your attention – she is pursuing what God has placed before her as well. Then you realize, “Wow, we’re both pursuing the same thing! We should be friends.” Then you run up beside her, get to know her, and…

You get married and run together straight into eternity.

Disclaimer: I’m sure it is not “this easy”. Also, I am not claiming to be an expert on any of this. This was an illustration I heard from someone wiser and more experienced! But it makes complete sense.

Be faithful with what you have been given and God will do the rest.

To Married People:

1. You don’t need to worry

It never fails. When I meet someone new and introduce myself, the conversation tends to go like this:

Someone: “How old are you?”

Me: “22”

Someone: “Do you have a girlfriend?”

Me: ***Pauses and wonders why this is relevant information*** “No, I don’t.”

The response I get is predictable. It is a consistent combination of the three responses below:

  1. The Sad Response – “I am so sorry you don’t have a girlfriend!”
  2. The Suprised Response – “You’re 22 and still don’t have a girlfriend?”
  3. The Sympathetic Response – “Let me tell you how you can get a girlfriend…”

And we want to know why our young people are insecure in their singleness? I did not bring up my relationship status or ask for help…oh, wait. Okay, you are going to give me advice anyway:

  • “My once-removed, second cousin’s granddaughter who lives across the country…”
  • “You should sign up for this one dating website…”
  • “Have you ever thought about church hopping?”
  • “Go to a third-world country and…”

At this point, I am backtracking, eyeing the exit, and creating an escape plan. Seriously, don’t assume a single person is sad and wants their “problem” fixed. Because it is not a problem – it is a period of life God has blessed me with.

A blessing, not a problem.

2. You need to encourage

I won’t lie. I use to be obsessed with getting a girlfriend.

It is natural for young people to desire marriage and a family. But we often tend to worry what other people will think. We get desperate to find the “someone”. Then when you go to a single person and confirm their fear, it makes it worse.

Can I ask a big favor of you? Please encourage young people to:

  • Trust God more fully
  • Be more faithful with what God has entrusted them with

They need it. I need it.

To Single + Married People

Happy Valentines. Sincerely,
Samuel Byers

  • Scott Harmon

    Sam,
    You are spot on. Refreshing. Folks my age should take note!
    Keep doing what you’re doing…

  • This was refreshing and needed. Thank you!

  • Kayla Marie

    Thank you!
    I’ve personally decided not to get into short term relationships…instead I am trusting God that he will bring along the right guy when the time is right. It’s so encouraging to know that there are others who are doing that too!

  • This is fantastic advice. I’m in my early twenties too and learning to rejoice with my friends who are rejoice during their serious relationships with guys. One friend told me recently she knew it was the Lord that orchestrated their love story because only He could have brought the two of them together in such a way. Like you said, singleness is a gift. At the beginning of this year, I watched a video clip by Leslie Ludy. In it, she discussed how to respond to people who ask why you are still single. When her future sister-in-law received this question being 30 and still desiring marriage, she replied: “Today I am.” After telling this story, Leslie encouraged to live out your singleness day by day with purpose and joy. One of my fears is wasting this time instead of enjoying and making the most of it day by day. Psalm 37:4 has been a huge key to helping me live purposefully, more joyfully. 🙂

    • Thanks Moriah! Absolutely agree that the Lord is in control of our lives, directing us to where He knows is best for us. And yes, it really is a battle for every single person to use this time wisely.

  • Ryan Lamontagne

    Very well-said, Samuel! As a 23-year old, I often find myself falling prey to the “I need a girlfriend sooner rather than later” mindset, especially when I see others happy in their own relationships. But God calls the shot, and He knows what’s best. I like your idea of God testing us to be faithful on our own first, before bringing someone else into our lives who we can be faithful with, not the other way around. Thanks for this, it was particularly needed.

    • Thank you Ryan! All these are things I try to remind myself of on a consistent basis. To be honest, it’s easier to write about than to live it. But as you said, God “knows what’s best”!